05 Jun 2010 The complete guide to “Patience” ;)
Author: loserreturns |  Category: Humor  | Tags: , , , , , , ,  | 28 Comments

They say that the modern man is too much in a rush…They say that the  modern man always has that prayer on his lips which goes as “ God give me Patience and Give it to me Nowww..” 

Then the same “They” who deliver all this gyaan, hold large worskhsops and gatherings, and charge hefty fees for actually teaching  patience…

Crap i say and i have a much better idea, as usual…You can enroll to my course, free of cost and see the effect for yourself… So here i share the 1 warm up + 2 levels , which is just the “crash course” the modern “impatient” man requires… 

The warm up with a mouse

 There is  a saying which goes as “ A proverb is no proverb until life has illustrated it” - similarily, if you have not ever everr operated a computer with a faulty mouse, you can never imagine the hopelessness which comes as a free gift with it.

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20 May 2010 An ode to Childhood…
Author: loserreturns |  Category: The Saner side of an Insane  | Tags: , , , , , , , ,  | 22 Comments
Those colourful birthday parties...

Those colourful birthday parties...

Amidst the onslaught of a long summer day, as sun seems hotter than an ember,
Those playful days of that period called childhood, I somehow seem to remember.

That waiting desperately for Mamma to sleep , so that I could sneak to the playground,
That throwing a stubborn fit for going “whatever”, in case Paapa ever frowned.

Blistering Sun didn’t seem an issue those days, and heat waves never did  sting,
Hopping and running on the burning earth, but the feet always loaded with zing.

That playing cricket at the mid noontime, and practicing for the match next morn,
more…

13 May 2010 A mobile phone’s novel uses ;)
Author: loserreturns |  Category: Humor  | Tags: , , , , , , ,  | 23 Comments
Nokia - My life gadget!

Nokia - My life gadget!

Since time immemorial I have hated mobiles…Meet me face to face and I will bore you to death by my half baked jokes but the mobile “coochi coochies” are definitely not for me. But ironically enough, I have always used this device which steals one’s privacy, as my “Privacy enabling tool”…
When I want to have a private time in the office say, and I don’t want those pesky unwanted people around me in the cafeteria then I just ensure that I have a chewing gum in my mouth, to give an effect of talking to a person, and I simply stick my mobile to my ears and pretend talking to a person. Nobody comes near me respecting my “privacy” and hence I enjoy the solace. I also use this trick when I am being bored to hell by an eternal glib blessed person. I pretend that I have a call from that “imaginary friend” and poof I go! But of late, I discovered their other use too and huge it is. Feel free to use it in the time of discomforts! Here comes the research…

                                 Mobile as an embarrassment concealing device

I am awfully scared of bulls, and herein the North India, it’s not uncommon to view those huge beastly creatures, sitting idly staring into the zenith, possibly thinking of new innovative ways of approaching their darling – the cows OR actually flirting with them. I am petrified of these creatures and to be specific of their grunts. Leave alone their grunts, even an inch of the movement of theirs make my legs go jelly…

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29 Apr 2010 Dedicated to my family and friends…
Author: loserreturns |  Category: The Saner side of an Insane  | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,  | 30 Comments
A New dawn, thanks to you all!

A New dawn, thanks to you all!

Aeons ago now it seems that I was a tenant in the hell,
From the shops of my shattered past, purchasing despair which it did sell.

Each moment was a decade’s suffering with nothing going my way,
And the past memories screeching on me, muting whatever I dared to say.

Fighting lost battles with my heart and taking bruises which cut soul deep,
Carrying skeletons of hopes lost and tatters of promises that were for keeps.

From behind self doubt mountains I conjured, like sun rays you sneaked in,
Slowly you all became the fountain of hope, healing me from within.

As my life was turning to a sinking boat, Dearies, you all formed the oars
In mid sea when i wanted to drown, sweethearts, you drove me to the shore.

more…

21 Apr 2010 The art of Leave-ing :D
Author: loserreturns |  Category: Humor  | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,  | 18 Comments

Since zillions of days, man has been working to earn his living and since zillions of days + 1 day, he has been thinking of suitable, subtle and novel excuses to fool his employer and bunk the work, in formal words “To take a leave”…Since not all of us are forunate enough to be caught amidst the volcanic ash clouds over Europe and hence have a wonderful excuse for not returning to office, here I present you some LEASONS (leave reasons), as I call them, to use… Even if you don’t use these “leasons”, you will at least get a crash course on method acting –

1) Tooth Ache –

Your greatest weapon against workload!!

Your greatest weapon against workload!!

“That 1 small tooth for a man, 1 giant leason for a mankind”

And considering you have 28 teeth at least, you are in for one never ending reason…Apart from the fact that you can fake-ache any of the 28 tooth (if lucky then 32), the beauty about tooth ache reason is that much like love, the tooth ache can happen anytime, anywhere and more…

01 Apr 2010 My “Quotable Quotes” mania ;)
Author: loserreturns |  Category: Humor  | Tags: , , , , , , ,  | 11 Comments
The quote master - Oscar Wilde

The quote master - Oscar Wilde

“I love my spouse more than that a chimp loves a bunch of bananas…In true love, i must be!”

Shucks. Another attempt bites the dust. Pathetic I know but please bear with me. I am actually trying to fulfill my long cherished dreams of giving this world one of those quotable quotes like that of Oscar Wilde’s  - “I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.”!  Beautifull yet simple, isn’t it!

More I read literature, more jealous I become of the simplicity these great writers possessed in their writings. What we mortals would write in pages, they did it in a single line. Sample this another Oscar Wilde quote “Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious: both are disappointed!” !  All the life’s truth in 1 line!! How can it be so easy! Maybe the reason is that one has to experience an “adversity” beforehand to express it, but that’s too shallow an excuse I know.

The philosophical quotes are even amazing. “He who knows he doesn’t know is the wisest!“ is a nine word-er Socrates’ quote, which captures the whole life’s wisdom in it. For that matter Plato’s “Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.” is equally enlightening. What thoughts! Currently, I am reading the book “Sophie’s world”, an introduction to philosophy, and that book is laced with such philosophical quotes and sarcasm…Whoa, is it something in philosophy/sarcasm which makes these great quotes. Here I come with mine :

“Modern man’s mind is like an overfilled dustbin – full of unnecessary things and stinking of materialism!”

Sheesh, punch less it was, isn’t it.

Any ways, I hope that you are still reading on!

Quotes like none - Mark Twain

Quotes like none - Mark Twain

So where were we? Haa, I was about to say that I think that you can quote about something only when you have experienced it. In other words, it’s about experiencing life and then finding your niche…But, I am busy running the rat race in the fast paced world and hence I do not think I have experienced anything in my life, and when you haven’t experienced you can’t quote, So, that means with a 2 3 tonne heavy heart, I will have to say “I give up”…I know I know, i wasted a lot of your time and that too without reaching to a worthwhile quote but that’s the way life is…

Finally, to end your day on a comparatively cheerful note here is a Mark Twain’s quote on Laziness which will make you smile -

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” Wonderf…Wait wait wait…Something is buzzing in my mind. Make way for my puke, here it comes –

“Necessity is the mother of an Invention…and maybe, laziness is its father! “

AND finally

“Laziness can neither be created nor be destroyed…It can just be transformed from 1 excuse to another”

Ok, ok…I am running off before you kill me and yes, i promise no more attempt at quotes till the Sun turns blue. I shall leave it to the literature Gods, i agree.

Over and out!!

Image source 1

Image source 2

08 Feb 2010 The 3.5 things to do after a break-up ;)
Author: loserreturns |  Category: Humor  | Tags: , , , , , , , ,  | 35 Comments

No worries...The saviour is here :D

No worries...The saviour is here :D

Yeah yeah. I know..It sounds a bit..Ok A LOT, rude to talk of Break-up in the “Valentine week” so as to say, but since i have no girlfriend this year but only a bruised-but-recovering heart to look after , i thought of sharing the gyaan with all those who have had a a break up and are confused about “what to actually do after a break-up :| “ or the aspirant “break-upers” ;) …
1) Facing the threat called FRIENDS :|
Remember Vernier Caliper you saw in the Physics lab…yeah yeah that same pesky instrument which can measure upto the thousandth of an inch…I would say get hold of that and keep measuring the facial hear growth(stubble) and as soon as it grows beyond 2millimetres, shave as if its a life changing task…because if not, AND the stubble manages to grow beyond that 2mm danger mark, then for the slightest hint of a “beard” you would be grilled with questions such as “feeling sad no…” from the emapthisers and “Whats up Devdas.” from more…

16 Feb 2010 Peek–a–boo into the “peek-a-thoo” syndrome ;)
Author: loserreturns |  Category: Humor  | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,  | 27 Comments

Why there is no event called as long range spitting competition OR  Spit shooting in Olympics…These bloody developed countries seem to be jealous of this feat of ours and hence have conspired against we The Indians - the master spitters, by not including this event ;) .

I guess, the first para says it all, if not it, then the Indian roads say it all and if not it too then the stairs and the walls of a government office would roar the truth aloud for sure, that how good at and obsessed with spitting, some of us Indians are…

Khaike Paan banaras vaala...Kar dia saare nagar ko kaala!!

Khaike Paan banaras vaala...Kar dia saare nagar ko kaala!!

For these spitters or thoo-ers(as i fondly call them),  the world is a canvas and a blank canvas at that and they have that artistic urge to fill it with their favorite red or black color most of the time. The only raw material they need is some gutkaas(Yeah that Ooche log oochee pasand “MaanikChand” is their God) or paan . They tend to create masterpieces wherever they go and they don’t even need a painters brush for that, as these geniuses specialize in the spray painting stuff and the miniscule gap between the teeth serves them well for it. True geniuses I say :D . more…

08 Mar 2010 2 faces of a man!
Author: loserreturns |  Category: The Saner side of an Insane  | Tags: , , , ,  | 24 Comments
The ornament for life!
The ornament for life!

As I see it now, someone seems to be living with 2 faces
1 smiling abound all  time and the other living in traces.

1 saying I am fine and that I am ready to face the world
The other crying beneath, lying afraid and all up curled.

One dreading to answer the world, pretending to have a dream of its own,
The other saying To live a simple life, its not required to have a bourn.

One saying I will do this and that as now I do have my aim,
The other shrieking silently and saying All this looks so lame.

1 proclaiming “past is past”, for others sake weaving his future to thrive
The other fighting the ghosts of past, wanting to embrace the dusk of life.

1 saying that I am with those who say that Life is meant to be live in depth,
The other smirking and whispering – Life’s an over rated concept!

 

Image Source

14 Mar 2010 The few Inventions on my wish list :D
Author: loserreturns |  Category: Humor  | Tags: , , , ,  | 32 Comments

Technology has rocketed ahead in leaps and bounds and so has the greed for more…Everybody wants something or the other for a more comforting life. Following their bata-steps, here is my tidbit wish-list of what I want ASAP…

1)A Common sense shot – Like we have Rabies injection or a Hepatitis B shot, can somebody please develop a common sense shot too because more than a AIDS vaccine, I think this world needs it! I know it would be a humongous injection because people need humongous doses of common sense it seems!

colossalsyringe

Supposed size of a Common sense syringe

For example - I am sick of people shaking me up with all their might while I am fast asleep(read half dead) and then having the guts to ask me “Were you sleeping??” . Time for the magic injection deflating their bums and swelling those common sense cells!

Then there are some “wise” people, who when comforting the relatives of a demised person say “..Par vo Kal tak to Zinda they(But he was alive till yesterday)!”. Yessss i have seen people doing this and the only question I want to ask them then and there  that “Buddy, give me the name of a person who died in installments?”. But if injection is invented more…

06 Jul 2010 Ill Manners - the humor carriers ;)
Author: loserreturns |  Category: Humor  | Tags: , , , , , , , ,  | 8 Comments

What a dull place earth would have been if we earthlings would have behaved throughout the day, as if we were in the dining room with the Royal Highness…Thanks to these below listed crude manners(?),my belief that human specie is inherently funny, however violent it may appear on the surface..

1) The Nose Pose

I want to plough that deeeeeeep!!

I want to plough that deeeeeeep!!

A busy miner, with finger as the drill and the nose as his excavation site is a sight uncommon. “Phlegm”atic these person look like when in the middle of their nose pose – almost in a trance.
Those deft touches around the “mine” walls(using all geometrical knowledge and all possible angles, mind you), that varying intensity in the eyes as and when it hits the “gold” and those “boulders” which soon surreally roll out of the talented fingers is in effect a poem waiting to be told.

The probability of spotting all the 10 fingers of each person in near sight around you is as small as the probability of the person, busy in his personal “site”, stopping the process midway without cleansing the “shrine” even if you stare him dead.

Probably the most common of those so called ill-manners and my personal favourite, in terms of entertainment it provides to the entertainer as well as entertained.
Best effect when –> You are in an official meeting and the meeting head person’s finger starts to play Hide and seek in the “den”.

2) The Sneezers aka Tornado generators

First things first, - Sneeze is too weak a term to describe a hard core full blooded expostulation of air, which if carefully coordinated amongst the sneeze art practitioners, would suffice as the rocket propellant OR at least frenziedly rotate the blades more…

20 Jun 2010 Happy Father’s day - with a twist!
Author: loserreturns |  Category: Humor  | Tags: , , , , , , , ,  | 15 Comments
Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day

Today is Father’s day and here is a tribute form my side, to my Dad, which i am glad he would never read because if he reads then i might not be able to see the next day, itself  ;) .

Thank you Paapa….

1) … for signing all those report cards in school, not caring how many “red marks” were there against the subjects for your son.

2) … for believing(or pretending to believe) my stupid gibberish about those “out of course(for  me) questions in exams” , however seldom we talked on that X-rated thing.

3) … for practically teaching me that “Celebrate your successes as well as failures” motto by gifting me a Bike when i flopped the Physics mid term and a bike when i behaved the same in B Tech Maths exam. (By the way was  it for failing in just 1 subject, Paapa??)

more…

09 Apr 2010 Some Awe-full researches ;)
Author: loserreturns |  Category: Humor  | Tags: , , , , ,  | 17 Comments
This is a tree..No it's not Obvious,no research has proved that!

This is a tree. Obvious? so what, i will do a research and then prove it!

During my engineering course in one of my subjects, there was an elaborate proof for proving that “1 is the smallest natural number”. I chuckled and wondered whether the proof proves the obvious OR the idiocy of the human species! At that time I thought that no other activity could surpass or come near to the tonnes of knowledge about human species cranial faculties this miraculous proof offered but how wrong was I :| . Here are some jewels my random surfing, newspapers and other science magazines offered me in random order of garbage information they offer…

1) Rats are not linguists

According to the earth shattering conclusions of this research, a baby rat can’t make out the difference between Japanese spoken backwards and Dutch spoken backwards! In case you are wondering whether an “academic” grown up rat can understand the difference when the usual Japanese and Dutch is thrown at them, the answer is “No” again but the point is that there are chances that a mouse sneaking in the almirah corners of the human abode could have eavesdropped on some conversation and hence picked up a few words here and there. So just to be sure the sentence were repeated backwards..Logical isn’t it! Stuart Little – more…

24 Mar 2010 China minus Google = India –>The Superpower :D
Author: loserreturns |  Category: Humor  | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,  | 27 Comments

Google - my friend, philosopher and a Guide and a mentor and.....

Google - my friend, philosopher and a Guide and a mentor and.....

First of all, all the visionaries who proclaimed that India would overtake China and be THE Superpower by 2015, accept my bows. These brilliant people were ridiculed and mocked back then and were been told that India can only overtake China in 1 thing – the population, but since Google has decided to phase out its operations in China, it is the ripe time for these visionaries to be awarded and for us, as a country to celebrate and preen .

Here are 2 logic-null reasons and my care-fool analysis  -

1) Information Technology, the Google benefactor :

When hope is a myth and the project deadlines are the cruelest truth, an IT guy prays and believes is only 1 thing– GOD, which by the way is an acronym for ”G”oogle “O”riented “D”evelopment, a common term for an IT guy. No matter what happens, Google is there for the rescue if you know how to use Google and the magical wand which goes by the name of copy paste!

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